If you tuned in to the MTV VMAs last
night, sorry you wasted hours of your life you’ll never get back. Host
Miley Cyrus was so “shocking” that she flashed her boob (woopsy) and
passed around weed. Wow, how cutting edge, how brave, how completely and
totally contrived. But, to be fair, if you have been watching Miley’s
ubiquitous scantily clad ads for the event, she delivered as promised.
Mind you, I don’t have an issue with
Miley Cyrus running around naked. At this point, no one really cares and
we’ve seen it all – literally just about every inch – with her
oft-naked Instagrams and social media over-sharing. Miley barely had her
nips in check on the red carpet in her silver suspender top and
definitely set the tone for the evening – bile over substance.
But surprisingly, the competition for
the appearance of the biggest boob at the VMAs didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’
nip slip. For my money, Justin Bieber and Kanye West are tied for that
honor. Bieber lip synched all-too-horribly then broke down in tears.
Was he crying because he realized everyone would know that he didn’t
bother trying to sing live? Or maybe he was excited about Kanye’s
appearance. Gag.
Kanye West gave a 10 minute (yawn) long
acceptance speech for his Vanguard Award – who among you wasn’t secretly
hoping that Taylor Swift would bum rush the stage and interrupt him?
Can you imagine it? “Kanye, I’mma let you finish your rant and
presidential announcement, but first I just wanna say Sarah Palin had
one of the best presidential runs ever.”
And for all the people screaming in glee
at Kanye’s award, I have to ask, did any of you listen to/watch Bound
2? Also, what are the odds America is going to go for a First Lady with a sex tape?
Come on, we’re not France or Italy people. I’m also left wondering, was
that a Kanye West award acceptance speech or an overlong PSA for mental
illness? Hmm… Seemed like a cry for help to me.
Much ado was made over a Selena Gomez
red carpet wardrobe malfunction as well. Sure her dress top was sheer,
but the girl was wearing large pasties under it. That’s not a nip slip –
maybe a pasty peekaboo. Is that even a thing? Impressively, collagen
aficionado and now-legal rapper sex toy Kylie Jenner managed to stay
inside her strappy dress, so hooray for her.
We know Kylie Jenner is counting down to
her first official “of age” nip slip, crotch shot or other “accidental”
nudie gotcha. From the neck up, Kylie Jenner looked shockingly like Kim
Kardashian. Line them up side by side and they look like before and
after shots. Kim Kardashian is pregnant, I get it, but holy cow. Seriously, she looked like a holy cow. Her fun bags are like an ad for Mayfield dairy.
I know she can’t help that, but what was
with the dress with mega pockets in the front? Was Kim K stuffing
snacks in there so she wouldn’t starve to death during her husband’s
interminable speech? Was Pea and the Pod sold out of maternity LBDs?
Thumbs down. I may need to try some of that Kim Kardashian endorsed, FDA
outraged, nausea medicine to keep down my dinner.
Other manufactured spice in the VMAs included Nicki Minaj “calling out” Miley saying “Back to this b*tch that
had a lot to say about me the other day in the press.” Sure Nicki,
whatevs. Glad you finally won something for Anaconda – was the feud line
on your teleprompter? Nicki buried the hatchet with Taylor Swift then
started a new feud. Maybe the time limit on the last faux fight expired…
To close the show with “controversy”
Miley managed to sneak her left boob out from behind a curtain while the
cameras were trained on her. Hannah Montana acted shocked and asked
“What’s happening? Oh sorry, my tit’s out.” Yes it is Miley but, then
again, isn’t is always? And wasn’t that the whole point of her hosting?
Way to stay relevant MTV. At least it wasn’t Madonna’s tit.
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